How well do you treat yourself on the journey to your dreams?
I want nothing more than to write something exciting, like, hell yeah it’s A NEW MOON IN ARIES! I have so many IDEAS! So many things are HAPPENING!
But, I also need to get real:
I have a special connection to The Wild Unknown tarot by artist Kim Krans. I quite frequently turn to tarot when I don’t know where else to go, to prompt the bigger questions I might be asking, but so quietly that I barely acknowledge them. Tarot kicks my ass back into the present and I start listening to my internal voice.
I have been opened to some things I never want to acknowledge – I am truly longing for connection, I am lacking support that I need to keep going, I have been lonely for a long time.
Facing these truths makes me swell with shame. I have myself and everything I need – what am I disconnected from? Many people have encouraged me to create – what more support do I need? I have beautiful friendships – why am I so lonely?
And then, I pulled Two of Swords. Kim Krans asked me, via her book, “How well do you treat yourself on the journey to your dreams?”
Well…I can answer that in a word: POORLY.
And, suffice to say, I felt DRAGGED by that question.
It’s easy to write about #selfcare when you want the best for everyone. It’s even easier to pretend time alone isn’t self-inflicted isolation (a problem behaviour of mine) and that not exercising, when it is your life source, is “rest.” I punish myself for my other choices – mindful decisions that I know will uplift me – by taking away things I love.
So, in a negative headspace begins the stripping of my soul: I stop enjoying my own parties. I stop working out. I stop wanting to write. I take a lot of searing hot baths. I sleep in. I kick my dog out of the room. I have outbursts that lead to cutthroat consequences.
Let’s check the damn facts, shall we? Yes, yes, yes to all the above. Loneliness. Lack of support. Feeble connections. Those feelings are founded in truths that maybe I can’t yet articulate, but are looking to be resolved.
Startlingly so, I must start with self care. And not the in-denial brand of self care we let pop up. I will tell myself this: Don’t fucking say no to everything and call it “rest.” Don’t go lighter at the gym because you feel “drained.” And, for fuck’s sake, stop downplaying all of your achievements and magic!
From self care (and earth-shattering, authentic truth-telling), we will go to what’s needed. I need these things, and I’m gonna ask you to ask yourself if you give yourself the same (or what works better for you):
- Boundaries. Because you can’t be solving everyone’s petty bullshit when you’re at work.
- Exercise. Because your body was built to move and moving your body feels good. Also, get out of your head sometimes.
- Food. Because you need to fuel yourself. And you don’t need to have panic attacks at Loblaws. If you like Red Rose orange pekoe tea, buy it, because you should consume what brings you peace.
- Connection. Because you should open yourself up to the big love you give everyone else. You deserve an ornately romantic everything, always.
- Joy. Because that is your inner fire, and that will keep you going.
- Real rest. Because you know what it is. You know what it is not.
Today, I start off lighter. Today, I become more accepting of the things I deserve.
And tomorrow, I will probably still be feeling all kinds of ways, but I’ll be more mindful of what I’m doing to get out of that hole.