#SelfLoveBootcamp: May 30, it's almost over!

I know I said I would write about my experience every week, but I completely ended up throwing that to the wayside! There now are only a few days left of the Self Love Bootcamp with Kenzie Brenna – so I've written a greater recap of my experience over the past month.

This time around, I committed to posting way more than the last time I participated! Some highlights for me, in no particular order: sharing realistic goals, publicly naming my disorder, and the most difficult for me, proudly showing off my acne + facial scars.  

There were things I didn't feel right being part of - like the #mermaidthighs day or #cellulitesaturday - because of my own body. I do have a thigh gap - smaller than it used to be, but definitely still there. For one #embracethesquish day, I posted about ultimate babe Lizzo. I simply stayed out of these tags with my own photos because, let's be real, the body positivity world does not need more photos of non-fat girls "looking fat" because "we can all look fat!" This is not to say that small people like me don't need body positivity - but this concept is a whole other blog post. On these days, I went through the Self Love Bootcamp hashtag and spread the love and positivity by smashing that like button on all of the beautiful photos.

The best part of the Bootcamp is that I felt so different this time around. We know that self-care/self-love is a practice and not always easy. Through this practice, I was able to accomplish more things that came as a surprise to me: I gave myself permission to stop working and hang out with people, I did almost an hour of Instagram Live (like…what), I ate whatever I wanted before AND after a bonfire AND I even emailed Kenzie about it like a little fangirl, opened up about my mom in a way that wasn't hostile…so many things.

The only part of allowing myself to stop working (I went on a business trip to Montreal) and hang out with people that was frustrating was: the next morning when I had to get on a plane with a hangover…and I’m so proud of that. Instead of missing out “because I will have a hangover and I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. and I’ll be so tired and I normally don’t do unhealthy things like that anymore also there's a small possibility I’ll feel miserable and regret going,” I fucking WENT. OUT. I may have had to give my number out to a few people to gently urge me to come out, but I did it. Not only was it a fun party, but I felt amazing about getting myself out there when I otherwise would’ve passed and sat in my hotel room.

These are not just “little things” I did – they are major steps in a positive direction and huge #recoverywins! Even though I consider myself to be in a good place in terms of mental illness recovery, I STILL struggle with “simple things” like going out and enjoying myself without becoming angry and feeling guilty about it later.

The Bootcamp really makes you sit with your mindfulness practice, especially when it comes to difficult days or days you choose not to participate in. Asking yourself seemingly simple questions like, "Do I want to do this? Am I just doing this because I feel like I have to? Is it right for me?" is another practice. Knowing your limits, when to push beyond them, and the difference between self-care and avoidant behaviour (which I deal with) becomes easier the more often if you take a moment to think before you act. I know these simple questions become difficult to ask yourself when you're in a bad place, but you'll always be glad you listened to what you needed to do and the result that comes with it. 

I am so, so grateful for the Self Love Bootcamp because it reminds me to stay engaged with me.

Also, I might finally meet Kenzie on Wednesday and I might genuinely cry.